NOISE 2003

A brisk gray Portland Saturday morning served as a setting for the N.O.I.S.E. (Northwest One-speed International Solidarity Event). While the international single-speed jet set rode in the glowing Australian spring, twenty-odd dedicated derelicts assembled in North Portland to ride to the secret rally spot for some off road fun. After riding five miles to Pier Park, they swilled cheap beer, smoked too many cigarettes and talked smack until the junior high school cross-country runners cleared the trail. When the Black Cats exploded the riders were off in a Le-Mans running start, and four laps to glory.

Many twists, turns, thrills and spills, and a neck and neck sprint with Ira to the finish produced a rally champion... Steve Fassbinder. For his valiant performance Steve received twenty pounds of Oregon shale, engraved with the inspiring words, "You're so fast, this'll slow you down!" As the rules stipulated, Mr. Fassbinder had to haul the damn thing home... duct taped to his camelbak.

The evening's nocturnal activities took place at NoPo's finest landmark drinking establishment, The Jockey Club, self-described as the place "where fresh air goes to die". Prizes for the rally riders were raffled off, and beverages consumed. Shwag was later awarded to winners of the night's "feats of strength".

The first of said feats was the "tireless rim-ride drag race challenge". Riders rock-paper-scissored for the choice between two of the rubber-free bikes provided. The racers started at one end of the parking lot, rode out across slippery asphalt, around a traffic island and then back to the starting line. After four rounds Justin, a messenger with Magpie who "really needed a set of fenders", triumphed and took delivery of a beautiful set of hand crafted FULL WOOD fenders. Eliza took the second place honors and a shiny new red anodized Paul WORD hub. The tire-less merit honor went out to Doug Moak, who although falling short of the gold fought valiantly and crashed violently. No one will soon forget the roostertail of skidding sparks and tumbling body resulting in the loss of his shoe... but never his pride.

The second feat of strength was the bike tug-of-war. Dueling parties chose their bikes and a stout rope was attached between the seat posts. A second steadied the stead while the combatant found their footing in a trackstand. When both were ready the umpire called go and after a moment the stronger rider pulled the other to their defeat. In the final round Ira struck down poor Evan, and emerged as the champion. The consensus is that his bold use of the clipless pedals, low gear ratio, and huge fucking legs were the keys to his success. Ira took home a hydraulic front disc brake for his trouble.

The final event that would decide who went home with the grand prize, a Paul high flange, black anodized, pimp daddy track hub (with cock ring), was the single speed talent show. Contestants offered up a variety of talents that ranged from the silly, some jackhole crowing about his ability to grow sideburns, to the pretty dang cool. Singing an improvised song won Shannon an oversized motorcycle jersey. Laurel's headstand with Pabst and Oly cans balanced on her feet won her a pair of slider sunglasses. An amazing contortionist performance won Carrie the bronze prize: 24 vegan condoms, donated by Food Fight!, and the bragging rights that come with being voted sexiest single-speeder. Rolling a cigarette while maintaining a nearly perfect trackstand, Tad took the silver and with it a Surly single speed mountain bike hub. The grand high gold prize went to Mike from Coventry Cyclery. For shoving 41 grapes in his mouth then riding up and down the block with no hands, he went home victorious with the Paul high flange, black anodized, pimp daddy track hub, with cock ring.

For those not able to cough up the two grand for a trip to Australia, the NOISE served as a wonderful substitute for the beautiful derelict cyclists of Portland. A big thanks goes out to all the participants who came out and made this a wonderful event. We'd also like to thank our sponsors, Paul, Surly, Full Wood, and Food Fight! for providing all the great prizes with which to lure in the participants.

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